On being a survivor and perpetrator of violence

        I read an incredibly moving article today, I Looked At A Rapist in the Mirror, and Saw Him Smiling Back, by Hari Ziyad and this article moved part of me that was at a loss for words before. I have experienced and read almost countless things which have shown me that people who have hurt people are also people who have been hurt, and conversely that many "victims", or Survivors,of violence have hurt people in their past or will hurt people in their future.

       I do not believe that any of us are perfect survivors or perfect perpetrators of violence. Humans are complex, and pain and trauma cause us anger, disconnection, numbness, desperation, and a host of other issues that can cause us to hurt the people around us. I have done things I am ashamed to admit to anyone, even though they are common actions in our society. I have questioned if my drunken actions and lack of concrete boundaries after years/decades of abuse were abusive towards others, even though no one has ever alluded to them being so. I feel that I have failed to practice or demand consent in my past, even after years of trying to recover from trauma using the principles of feminist, empowered sexual experiences. I allowed silence and guessing or apathy to take over situations. I know I felt violated many times, but I have no idea how others may have felt because it stayed in the silent space between us. We drunkenly texted each other to come over even knowing that it would be the same as the last time. My mind was often anywhere besides what was happening in the present. I did not fully understand this phenomenon until I read articles like "Why Many Rape Victims Don't Fight or Yell" . I realized my brain had been re-wired to a passive, limp, and dissociating response to unwanted sexual advances, and I had suffered greatly because of it. I was not angry with many of the people who triggered it, who could not or did not want to understand what was going on. They are in many ways products of their environment, as I was, who did not have the skills to deal with sexual situations in a healthy way. Many of them are my friends. I may have been angry at them at some point or another, but I think many of them were in the same boat I was at the time. I have not found the ability to forgive some of the others. I am angry with the ones who were predatory. The ones who purposely provoked fear or guilt and shame to put me in situation lacking control, and provoking this spiraling passivity.Some of them I would like to harm still to this day, years after they hurt me.

      It is at this point that I remain, knowing that I too have hurt others, but that some people may not deserve my forgiveness, and maybe I don't deserve forgiveness from others as well. I have certainly failed to ask forgiveness from many of them. I agree with Hari Ziyad that we don't like to think about these things. We don't like to think about the violence we face, the people who hurt us, or the ways we've hurt others. We don't like to think about sexual assaults or the people who commit them, and we don't like to admit that often times we are guilty of these things to varying degrees. We may have grabbed someone who didn't enjoy or welcome our touch. We may have kept pushing for a "Yes" or an "ok" when the answer was "No". We may have been drunk and never asked for an answer at all and never really known what the answer would have been. All of these things are common place in our society. But they are not right. We don't have the right to touch or use other people's bodies without their consent, and especially when they are not enjoying it. But many of us have stayed silent as well when we wanted to say no, or to run away. Or we have given up on resisting, or worse, we have tried to fight it and been overpowered or intimidated.

      I may want to think of myself only as the survivor, but the truth is I have made many mistakes in my past relationships. I had no strong boundaries. I lied to avoid dealing with my PTSD and why I did not enjoy sex anymore, or maybe it was just to make my partner happy. I was manipulative and codependent. I cheated instead of leaving a relationship I wanted out of for years. I gave up on myself, and on taking care of myself. I was purposefully hurtful towards people who had hurt me in various ways. All of those may have had origins out of my control, cultivated through many years of abuse, but I have to own up to them as well. I harmed myself and others during those years.

      My story is not unique. The prisoners I know are people who were hurt and traumatized in many ways before and after they hurt others. They pretty much all showed signs of Post Traumatic Stress before they began using drugs or alcohol and ever thought of robbing banks or driving under the influence or shooting at people. Violence is a cycle, and so is suffering. They are all suffering now as well, without sympathy from a society who thinks prison violence is deserved and beneficial in some way which remains a mystery to me. An article from Colorlines.com recently showed that the majority of black girls and women in prison are survivors of violence, and I would be willing to bet this could be widely said of the majority of people in prison, with emphasis that race, gender, income level, sexuality, and gender identity can all increase the amount of violence people are likely to experience and the likelihood that your actions for survival will be criminalized.

      The same could be said about the alcoholics, addicts, and the children of alcoholics, addicts, and abusers that I know. We have all been hurt and we all hurt others to varying degrees. We all want to end the violence around us, but many of us lack the feeling of having a solution and instead often participate in the problems,whether it be victim blaming or forms of violence.

      The point that I can't quite settle on is, how do we forgive the unforgivable when we finally acknowledge that we are guilty as well? How do I forgive the men who were predatory and purposefully hurtful when I accept that I have too hurt others or would harm others out of anger or vengeance or whatever justification I might find. Hari Ziyad wrote, "We can’t fix a system that we perpetuate without fixing ourselves, and we can’t fix ourselves until we admit that we need fixing." His thoughts are the profound message I have been waiting on. The cycle of violence needs to end, but we can only end it by first fixing ourselves and being honest about all of the ways we harm each other in this society. Maybe I don't have to forgive everyone, but I need to work on creating change so we won't need to forgive in the future. That change begins with ending the excuses we make for violence.We must be honest with ourselves about our potential to harm others, even as people who have may have suffered greatly, and until we stop harming others we continue to contribute to this cycle of violence. My pain is not an excuse to hurt others, and we must find compassion for ourselves and also keep ourselves accountable for our actions in the future and the present moment. Although I don't have all the answers yet, I am very grateful for the article he wrote and the ways it has helped me to put together many thoughts I have had over the past 3 years or so of my sobriety and increased engagement with other survivors and perpetrators of violence, whether through 12 steps programs or prisoner support. I hope others will continue to discuss the very honest thoughts he provided.